Diary Entries Part 5

Thursday, January 6, 2005

The world I live in is falling apart. I'm so lost - my Chrissy is gone - never to return. It hurts. My job is a bust. My gifts from God are tainted by my addiction.

STOP USING AND ALL THINGS GET BETTER. Dealing with emotions is tough.

I have been told that I am to help the homeless, but how? I'm homeless.

I can't understand how all of this has happened. I guess it started when I was young. I'm so fucked up in the head. I want to heal, but healing comes so slowly. Will things change? It is up to me. If they do not change, DEATH is for sure. I'm 40 now. The last 10 years have been trying. Jails, prisons, homelessness, I can't take anymore. I want to cry, but again, the tears won't come. 

Austin Angel come back to me.

Give me another chance and you will see

A different side of me.

Impaired by life growing up, only now realizing it makes it tough. No assets, no money, only my health. I feel it is good, but is it? I have not showered in many days, I stink. I'm not used to this life. There are so many homeless people. Why? Our country is great, yet we have people on the street. There has to be an answer. 

GOD I know you are listening. Please deliver me from all of this. Put it in the past. Help me. I'm pleading. Give me strength to change and help others. I'm ready to close the door and quit, but that would be too simple. How does one deal with all of this chaos? I see God's beauty all around. How pretty it all is.

I contacted Colorado. I will plea my case out by mail. $1000.00 Where will I get the money? I owe so much. 

Bart and Rose* have been understanding considering all the shit I've caused. The thought of a second chance is a relief. I owe them so much money. I'm confused, hopefully I will be enlightened. I will pray on it.

Alas, I am leaving. The truck is westbound for California, and I will be on it. This job will allow me to begin to pay my debt. It is a good feeling. The road is lonely, the work is hard and the miles many. How does one do it? The best they can. You do it with honor and integrity. It is redundant work.

My friends (what friends?) have some idea of what I have become. I am a sociopath, an addict, a dishonest person, a master manipulator, a master sociopath.

How will I change and heal? GOD?

Friday, January 7, 2005

The sun is starting to appear through the clouds as I journal. Morning was overcast. My thoughts and dreams of Chrissy are lessening. How could I have been so stupid? I became hung-up on someone.

I have a head cold, it is a constant bother. I'm broke and just barely maintaining. My driver Artie is a very good human being.

This relationship has soured me. I do not want anyone in my life. I am no partner, no parent. I have no skills to help them. I am alone in this world. My family will not speak to me. My road ahead is quiet and lonely. I am not alone, just lonely. God never gives us more than we can handle. I feel as though my head wants to burst.

I felt the newness of a relationship, the infatuation, the lust, etc. Now it's gone.

"What we perceive we can and will achieve. The lesson is learning to keep it. Our world is black and white, all or nothing. To find balance or gray means all that we work for will stay."

Socio-Addict

I have traveled many roads and played many roles. I am an actor, a con man. I find reality hard and pain in so many things. I am ultra sensitive. 

Evening is upon me. I'm in Louisiana on I-10 somewhere. I see the Greyhound bus - memories of a recent trip? Memories of Chrissy. Please, let them dissipate. God willing she is well and doing fine. God willing i will be OK also and better my life.

Day 2 of Clean and Sober.

Saturday, January 8, 2005

Houston, TX, so close and yet so far. It's a beautiful day. Texas is so big. It's a day's drive to east to west and north to south. 

Feeling better, still have a cold, smoking less. Will be in California on Monday. 

2005 will be my year to put it back together.

• My license
• Car
• Money
• Housing
• CLEAN AND SOBER

Funny how life and the universe throw curves, I'm in Austin! I want to say hello to Chrissy and then I do not. It somehow seems to make me stronger. An end to a story - closure. The haunting is not so haunting any more. One cannot offer someone something if they have nothing. I have only my health, my faith, my hope and a job.

So much debt to pay. Time and patience. 

If you had the choice to get her back would you want her? Not at this time -- maybe not ever.
"Relationships based on physical bonds never succeed." -- Mary Johnson

Leaving Austin, feelings of relief knowing you are strong and will survive. It was not meant to be. Timing is so important. Learn by living and live to learn. Via con Dios, Chrissy.

* Bart and Rose own Eagle - the long distance moving company M is working for.