Diary Entries Part 4

Saturday, December 25, 2004

I don't know how to explain my life. To put it simply, I'm an addict. Getting high is my first love. Tears come, but I cannot cry. Emotions exist by only on the surface. I'm not a complete human being. I got lost somewhere along the way while growing up. My addiction has devastated my life. Now, I suffer the consequences. The only woman I think I ever loved has been hurt by my addiction. My Austin Angel, my Princess is gone. She came to me with unconditional love and offered me her world. A good world and I fucked it up! My pain is a re-run. Our love making was excellent, Chrissy was brought to new heights. For Chrissy it is sprirtual, I wonder if she may have sex addiction issues? I hope that friendship will exist in our lives. Anything else just complicates things. The night she asked me to fuck her...my first reaction was NO. Relationships are not based on sex, that I do know. Mr. Dick won again.

This is my Christmas Day.

Monday, December 27, 2004

The past four days have been sleepless. I have eaten very little. In a matter of two weeks I've gone from having a woman I was crazy about, housing and a family to once again having nothing.

My addiction has destroyed my life. I have no real friends. I have totally ruined my world again.

Thursday, December 30, 2004
I arrived in Ft. Lauderdale this morning. The world is becoming a little clearer. Bart* is on his way to pick me up. Chrissy will not speak to me. Sadness fills my heart.

I will start over again, vowing never to be addicted to drugs.

I am not a young man, nor am I an old man. Middle age is where I'm at.

What I thought I wanted, was not the best for me. The easy way is not the best way. I must be totally honest with myself and with others. For me, this is a new concept.

I feel used as I have used others. Pain will grow as the days go by, eventually it will leave. How could I be so blind to all of this? I want a happy life. Financial security, a house, etc...

I'm lucky to be alive. I've come so close to dieing so many times, this cycle is crazy.

* Bart co-owner of moving company