Diary Entries Part 10

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Morning - the skies are blue, the air is crisp and chilly. It' beautiful. I feel rested, relieved and content if that's possible. I have been praying. The angels are watching and God will answer my prayers in his time, not mine. Faith and hope are the keys.

My financial situation is a bust. I need at least 10 Gs to make all this OK. It would be a start. If the money does become available, I will correct things. Payback, helping others and most of all, giving to those in need. I'm working on getting my license back, my job, my sobriety, my financial outlook, housing, transportation. It all takes time, but time is running out. It has to happen soon. This year to be exact, then I must keep it.

Laughing is so good for the soul. Watching the movie The Replacements brought laughs and smiles to my soul. I guess it not all bad.

Evening has settled in. Artie is at max hours* for the day. We are parked 200 miles east of Dallas. We will not leave until midnight.

My feelings on life seem better. I'm managing. I ask myself if I am investment to Eagle or a burden. I guess both. It's up to me to see it through and decide which road to cruise.

Thinking of my blessings, I'm Clean and Sober, I'm healthy. I have worries that cannot be overcome at this time. Logic is with me. My faith is good and with a few more blessing, I just might make it.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Martin Luther King Day. I am north of Dallas. It's 9:30am. I'm waiting for Artie to wake up. He drove all night. He is not a morning person. I understand he is tired. The long miles on the road are wearing to a man's mind, body and soul. I have done this routine many times. It is not an easy road. The morning is beautiful. I have finished praying. I know he is listening and will be with me throughout the day.

"Always rainy days without you

I'm a prisoner of love without you

Yes it's true -

Deeply wide and blue

One special moment in your arms

It is worth a lifetime of love -

One special moment in your heart

Keeps my world from falling apart"

"I was standing

All alone against the world outside

You were searching

For a place to hide

Lost and loney

Now you've given me the will to survive

When we're hungry - love will keep us alive

Don't you worry

Sometimes you've just gotta let it ride

The world is changing

Right before your eyes

Now I've found you

There's no more emptiness in inside

When we're hungry...love will keep us alive"

The Eagles

I slept from Dallas to Arkansas. I'm without a book and the movies are old. I was haunted by Austin, haunted in my mind. The feeling left and hopefully it will not return. 

Who am I? Where am I? Why is all of this coming down?

I'm praying, where is my faith? Where is my hope and who do I love? So confused on a Monday.

Missing your touch

Missing your hair

Missing the way

I made you stare

It was you - you who really cared

You who took a chance

You who dared

Miles apart - yet there's an aching in my heart 

To make it right

To end a fight

Win a battle

And have you near

* DOT sets maximum hours a driver can be on the road at a stretch of time. Drivers must keep a log book.

Diary Entries Part 9

Thursday, January 13, 2006

Arriving at the storage facility to load an empty trailer we found no one there. The arrival time was 8:30am. It's now 10:30am and no one has arrived to let us load our cargo. 

The day is beautiful. There is a chill in the air. 

Upon speaking with Austin it has become a bit clearer that she truly needs a male friend and I stress friend.

With herpes on her lip and her oldest son in harms way, balancing his life from going down the shitter, it is evident after speaking with her that she is spoiled, self-centered and immature. My rose-colored glasses are off. I see her in a different light. I feel sorry for her and want nothing, absolutely nothing from her. She is bitter, mad and guilt ridden and cannot maintain a relationship. My life has issues. Drug addiction has brought many of these on me. She has issues spawned from everyday life without drug addiction. I still feel a sense of wanted to help her, only from a financial view point. The rest is her own task.

I must get solvent in my world.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Outside of LA in the valley. Loading a small job, yippee! The business is slow. In three months it will be non-stop. The weather chilling with a crisp clean feel to it, beautiful God. Thanks.

I feel strong and positive, awake and confident. Hopeful and sure that I will maintain, keep and achieve my license.

• House
• Money
• SOBRIETY
• Job

It is a must! My 20's were my teens, my 30's my 20's. Ten years behind. Oh well. I must keep growing.

Well, the day progresses and with it we pick up small loads. Good and bad. I'm asking myself, why am I doing this job? Do I really like what I'm doing? Do I feel trapped?

Loaded- 4 hours/1000 cubic feet.

Checked my e-mail, sent some. Phoned Denver DMV. My license is good and can be reinstated. Now, I have to get a license. Hopefully soon, real soon. So much to do. So much to accomplish.

I'm feeling better in many respects. I need financial solvency. Money for me, and for others. I want to help the homeless, play music and heal. Tonight was a Mexican dinner. Artie and I were foreigners. Spanish was the language spoken, how I wish I was bi-lingual. I should have paid more attention in school.

I just spoke to a young woman named Kate. She was and is stranded at a Flying J on the California/Arizona border. 

Issues:

User

Abused by men

Delusional

and yet an angel at heart

I have no children, now I realize again the answers to why. God has given me another chance. A chance to provide help to those less fortunate. GOD - the cosmic energy of the universe. Help me survive. Heal me so that I may help others. It may be my purpose. Another sign, please?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Another day comes into play. I'm realizing more about myself and my life each day. I believe I'm going to be OK. I'm being schooled and blessed. My role will be to help others. It is God's play. I must believe with all of my faith. I must trust in his plan and I must have hope for the plan as it develops.

I spoke with Austin. I must learn to listen between the words. I believe she is worried. I believe she may even miss me. Humans we are.

Uneventful day. I-10. I have traveled much, the scenery is beautiful. I rode, slept and that was about it. It was 3:00pm before we left the California/Arizona border. It was 3:00am when we arrived in El Paso, TX.

Diary Entries Part 8

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The morning was fog filled but it burned off as the day progressed. California weather. There have been massive rains, and death has showed its face due to the weather. Sad. Mother Nature.

I'm feeling somewhat better. Time is a helping healer. We as humans often go through our lives never realizing that our experiences create and shape our destinies. 

I am an addict. My cure is simple. Do not use. Remain Clean and Sober and the world is no longer seen through rose-colored glasses. My issues are less and certainly easier to see, identify and resolve.

My recent relationship, however brief has put me through pain, hurt, drama and so much more than I imagined. I had to go through it to arrive at this point, the point of seeing new things, a new direction. I was used and manipulated. It is something I have done to others so often. I guess it was my turn. Somehow, it has strengthen me, opened my eyes and given me clarity on someone I thought I loved or at least had feelings for.

Disillusion and delusional thinking. Addicts do it well. I have been clean only a week and all that I realize about this 46 Jezebel are true. Self-centered, grandiose, stubborn, spoiled and certainly no child of God. She is not who I thought she was. I have taken the rose-colored glasses off. I know all of this and now I realize why I stood 15 feet from her when we first met. I understand why I was distant at first.

I have grown from this experience. I have learned and now I close a door on a relationship with her as well as another ex - my DRUG.

God has a plan, a destiny for me. I can only obtain it by staying Clean and Sober and owning the truthful, honest things in life. Amen. I asked for a sign and guess what? God thanks, the call to Mary was my sign. It has been a good day, lonely at times, sad at others, but a good day.

Austin Angel, 

Time is on my side, and yes I do enjoy the art of writing a letter. I don't really know where to start. I realize that having you as a friend is most important to me. I also realize that it will not be easily attained and that I have to prove to myself and to you that it can be done.

Chrissy, a unique, simple and highly complex woman. You are an analyst. We shared a physical alliance a bond that few humans ever experience. You and I truly bonded in certain areas. I never expected a woman of your refinement to enter my life. "Be careful what you wish for." 

I have taken time to step back and take myself out of the picture to look at our relationship from the outside.

Upon analyzing it again with time, I'm fortunate to know you and grateful for your teachings. New doors have opened for me.

You are a strong woman. I am a strong man. My destructive behavior should have put me in the dirt long ago. God's Grace has kept me here on this earth. God's Grace has kept me healthy. There are not many 40 year old men who can labor as I do. I enjoy the hard work, it makes me who I am. I am realizing more about who I am and what my purpose in life is to be. I have decided to assist you with your needs if I can in any way possible. I created enough CHAOS in the short time we were together. I have a goal to help you, please remember I must first pay Eagle back.

I can survive on very little. When summer comes I will be extremely busy and hopefully then I will be able to assist you with your finances. I never really yearned for money. It never fueled my drive. My happiness seems to come from lesser things.

Diary Entries Part 7

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Today when I awoke, the sun was shining. The road is lonely, but I am not alone. 

I read my e-mail. My Austin friend wants to be a free spirit. 

There is no coverage for when I wrecked her car.*  Her insurance will have to pay for it. A $500.00 deductible and higher premiums. She is stressed and so am I. How can I pay her back for what I did? She cares for me and misses me. We are both stubborn. Yet, we have such a strong physical bond.

She is so hurt, so am I, but in such different ways. 

I need money and I need it fast. God please let it come my way and I will pass it along to Chrissy and to Eagle. I don't need much. I have survived on so little for so long. Please let me have the Austin Angel back. Let me be Clean and Sober and let us be friends. Helping each other the way friends are supposed to.

In the evening, Artie and I had a nice dinner and watched Helen of Troy.

I have mixed emotions, Remember if you have nothing, you have nothing to offer. You and I, God know I miss her...

Is there anything I can do

Is there anything I can say

To change your feelings

And give us hope to stay.

To pray that it all works out

I pray that she'll come about

To hold her in my arms again

To share our love - honestly

* Somewhere between 12/3 and 12/13 Mark took Chrissy's car and the money Rose sent to him for the satellite office start up. He went out on a crack binge, spent all of the money and got into a car accident with the car.

Diary Entries Part 6

Sunday, January 9, 2005

El Paso 4 am. Watched King Arthur moved. Called Chrissy, but got no answer. 

I had a dream. I was trying to buy dope, but no sale. I awoke from dream thinking that the cops had arrived. Not a good sign. No more stealing or compulsive behaviors.

God help me work all of this out. Please let me heal and be the extremely sensitive human being with the gifts you created. Remove my demons within and let me be your messenger, to help the homeless.

I need you now Lord in so many ways. Please help me. Please, I'm too old to live like this anymore.

"Compulsion is a quick fix to satisfy an urge - search for the emotion that creates the compulsion - the emotion when identified will set you free of the urge."

I just got off the phone with Chrissy. She still has feelings for me. She misses me and she has my T-shirt on. She told me she was with another man. It hurts, even though I knew it would happen. She fucked him to purge herself of me but it did not work. There is something physical and spiritual between us.

Oh well, Jo the counselor would say, "get over it and go on."

Chrissy was sad, this was not what she had expected. It never is. She has issues, she is not the prima donna I thought she would be. Friends is all I can hope for, it may be more, it may not. Oh Well! I wish you well my love, for I do love you, but I don't know how to express it.

I will end my love and crack and not venture into a new love. It would be a rebound and a mistake. A mistake that could bring me down. Every step backward requires 20 steps forward.

Again 2005 is the year for my:

• license
• job
• housing
• health
• money
• most of all CLEAN AND SOBER

Another day of Clean and Sober

Tonight I will write.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I did not get around to writing last night. My emotions stirred. Conflict in my heart - pain and yet not pain. She still loves me, or loves the sex I offered her? Anything else? She's scared. I would be.

Again, I remind myself that she has issues, deep ones. She pretends she has it all in check. She does well for herself. I wish her the best and hope she can become a novelist and she will. All I want is her to be in my arms again and then I ask myself, is it just the challenge? Probably. Time heals all wounds. She wants to get even, wants to hurt me, but then she doesn't. 

Money would solve all of these problems in my life except for my demons. I don't know if I miss her or the lifestyle she presented to me.

Soul Search - 

I want to be free of it all. Now I have a chance, God willing. 

Rain, Rain, Rain. So much, California weather in early January. Pain is subsiding, emotionally.

God, if this is to make me strong, then I'm all for it. To be weak is not a human characteristic I want any part of.

So special, so sweet, this beautiful woman is truly a fine treat. So much has happened, the wheel keeps turning. Strong she may be, calculating every movement she is to see.

The analyst...

Delivery #1 - Santa Monica Mountains - It was shuttled. The people were great. I received a home cooked meal. Homemade with mashed potatoes and Elisha.

Elisha is a professional musician. Blond hair, blue eyes and easy to look at. Excellent pianist and she's Lithuanian. How incredibly sexy. My thoughts were elsewhere. The move was easy, I just might be over my Austin Angel.

Chrissy is OK. Be who you choose to be. Our life wasn't meant to be.

I'm glad to be working again. It does make me happy and I need it. It makes me who I am. Artie had a chance to speak his native language. It was good and only God could have arranged all of this. I just might be OK. I think the healing has begun, another Clean and Sober day. Slowly they will build and slowly I will achieve my goals. I'm getting better.

Diary Entries Part 5

Thursday, January 6, 2005

The world I live in is falling apart. I'm so lost - my Chrissy is gone - never to return. It hurts. My job is a bust. My gifts from God are tainted by my addiction.

STOP USING AND ALL THINGS GET BETTER. Dealing with emotions is tough.

I have been told that I am to help the homeless, but how? I'm homeless.

I can't understand how all of this has happened. I guess it started when I was young. I'm so fucked up in the head. I want to heal, but healing comes so slowly. Will things change? It is up to me. If they do not change, DEATH is for sure. I'm 40 now. The last 10 years have been trying. Jails, prisons, homelessness, I can't take anymore. I want to cry, but again, the tears won't come. 

Austin Angel come back to me.

Give me another chance and you will see

A different side of me.

Impaired by life growing up, only now realizing it makes it tough. No assets, no money, only my health. I feel it is good, but is it? I have not showered in many days, I stink. I'm not used to this life. There are so many homeless people. Why? Our country is great, yet we have people on the street. There has to be an answer. 

GOD I know you are listening. Please deliver me from all of this. Put it in the past. Help me. I'm pleading. Give me strength to change and help others. I'm ready to close the door and quit, but that would be too simple. How does one deal with all of this chaos? I see God's beauty all around. How pretty it all is.

I contacted Colorado. I will plea my case out by mail. $1000.00 Where will I get the money? I owe so much. 

Bart and Rose* have been understanding considering all the shit I've caused. The thought of a second chance is a relief. I owe them so much money. I'm confused, hopefully I will be enlightened. I will pray on it.

Alas, I am leaving. The truck is westbound for California, and I will be on it. This job will allow me to begin to pay my debt. It is a good feeling. The road is lonely, the work is hard and the miles many. How does one do it? The best they can. You do it with honor and integrity. It is redundant work.

My friends (what friends?) have some idea of what I have become. I am a sociopath, an addict, a dishonest person, a master manipulator, a master sociopath.

How will I change and heal? GOD?

Friday, January 7, 2005

The sun is starting to appear through the clouds as I journal. Morning was overcast. My thoughts and dreams of Chrissy are lessening. How could I have been so stupid? I became hung-up on someone.

I have a head cold, it is a constant bother. I'm broke and just barely maintaining. My driver Artie is a very good human being.

This relationship has soured me. I do not want anyone in my life. I am no partner, no parent. I have no skills to help them. I am alone in this world. My family will not speak to me. My road ahead is quiet and lonely. I am not alone, just lonely. God never gives us more than we can handle. I feel as though my head wants to burst.

I felt the newness of a relationship, the infatuation, the lust, etc. Now it's gone.

"What we perceive we can and will achieve. The lesson is learning to keep it. Our world is black and white, all or nothing. To find balance or gray means all that we work for will stay."

Socio-Addict

I have traveled many roads and played many roles. I am an actor, a con man. I find reality hard and pain in so many things. I am ultra sensitive. 

Evening is upon me. I'm in Louisiana on I-10 somewhere. I see the Greyhound bus - memories of a recent trip? Memories of Chrissy. Please, let them dissipate. God willing she is well and doing fine. God willing i will be OK also and better my life.

Day 2 of Clean and Sober.

Saturday, January 8, 2005

Houston, TX, so close and yet so far. It's a beautiful day. Texas is so big. It's a day's drive to east to west and north to south. 

Feeling better, still have a cold, smoking less. Will be in California on Monday. 

2005 will be my year to put it back together.

• My license
• Car
• Money
• Housing
• CLEAN AND SOBER

Funny how life and the universe throw curves, I'm in Austin! I want to say hello to Chrissy and then I do not. It somehow seems to make me stronger. An end to a story - closure. The haunting is not so haunting any more. One cannot offer someone something if they have nothing. I have only my health, my faith, my hope and a job.

So much debt to pay. Time and patience. 

If you had the choice to get her back would you want her? Not at this time -- maybe not ever.
"Relationships based on physical bonds never succeed." -- Mary Johnson

Leaving Austin, feelings of relief knowing you are strong and will survive. It was not meant to be. Timing is so important. Learn by living and live to learn. Via con Dios, Chrissy.

* Bart and Rose own Eagle - the long distance moving company M is working for.

Diary Entries Part 4

Saturday, December 25, 2004

I don't know how to explain my life. To put it simply, I'm an addict. Getting high is my first love. Tears come, but I cannot cry. Emotions exist by only on the surface. I'm not a complete human being. I got lost somewhere along the way while growing up. My addiction has devastated my life. Now, I suffer the consequences. The only woman I think I ever loved has been hurt by my addiction. My Austin Angel, my Princess is gone. She came to me with unconditional love and offered me her world. A good world and I fucked it up! My pain is a re-run. Our love making was excellent, Chrissy was brought to new heights. For Chrissy it is sprirtual, I wonder if she may have sex addiction issues? I hope that friendship will exist in our lives. Anything else just complicates things. The night she asked me to fuck her...my first reaction was NO. Relationships are not based on sex, that I do know. Mr. Dick won again.

This is my Christmas Day.

Monday, December 27, 2004

The past four days have been sleepless. I have eaten very little. In a matter of two weeks I've gone from having a woman I was crazy about, housing and a family to once again having nothing.

My addiction has destroyed my life. I have no real friends. I have totally ruined my world again.

Thursday, December 30, 2004
I arrived in Ft. Lauderdale this morning. The world is becoming a little clearer. Bart* is on his way to pick me up. Chrissy will not speak to me. Sadness fills my heart.

I will start over again, vowing never to be addicted to drugs.

I am not a young man, nor am I an old man. Middle age is where I'm at.

What I thought I wanted, was not the best for me. The easy way is not the best way. I must be totally honest with myself and with others. For me, this is a new concept.

I feel used as I have used others. Pain will grow as the days go by, eventually it will leave. How could I be so blind to all of this? I want a happy life. Financial security, a house, etc...

I'm lucky to be alive. I've come so close to dieing so many times, this cycle is crazy.

* Bart co-owner of moving company