Diary Entries Part 8

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The morning was fog filled but it burned off as the day progressed. California weather. There have been massive rains, and death has showed its face due to the weather. Sad. Mother Nature.

I'm feeling somewhat better. Time is a helping healer. We as humans often go through our lives never realizing that our experiences create and shape our destinies. 

I am an addict. My cure is simple. Do not use. Remain Clean and Sober and the world is no longer seen through rose-colored glasses. My issues are less and certainly easier to see, identify and resolve.

My recent relationship, however brief has put me through pain, hurt, drama and so much more than I imagined. I had to go through it to arrive at this point, the point of seeing new things, a new direction. I was used and manipulated. It is something I have done to others so often. I guess it was my turn. Somehow, it has strengthen me, opened my eyes and given me clarity on someone I thought I loved or at least had feelings for.

Disillusion and delusional thinking. Addicts do it well. I have been clean only a week and all that I realize about this 46 Jezebel are true. Self-centered, grandiose, stubborn, spoiled and certainly no child of God. She is not who I thought she was. I have taken the rose-colored glasses off. I know all of this and now I realize why I stood 15 feet from her when we first met. I understand why I was distant at first.

I have grown from this experience. I have learned and now I close a door on a relationship with her as well as another ex - my DRUG.

God has a plan, a destiny for me. I can only obtain it by staying Clean and Sober and owning the truthful, honest things in life. Amen. I asked for a sign and guess what? God thanks, the call to Mary was my sign. It has been a good day, lonely at times, sad at others, but a good day.

Austin Angel, 

Time is on my side, and yes I do enjoy the art of writing a letter. I don't really know where to start. I realize that having you as a friend is most important to me. I also realize that it will not be easily attained and that I have to prove to myself and to you that it can be done.

Chrissy, a unique, simple and highly complex woman. You are an analyst. We shared a physical alliance a bond that few humans ever experience. You and I truly bonded in certain areas. I never expected a woman of your refinement to enter my life. "Be careful what you wish for." 

I have taken time to step back and take myself out of the picture to look at our relationship from the outside.

Upon analyzing it again with time, I'm fortunate to know you and grateful for your teachings. New doors have opened for me.

You are a strong woman. I am a strong man. My destructive behavior should have put me in the dirt long ago. God's Grace has kept me here on this earth. God's Grace has kept me healthy. There are not many 40 year old men who can labor as I do. I enjoy the hard work, it makes me who I am. I am realizing more about who I am and what my purpose in life is to be. I have decided to assist you with your needs if I can in any way possible. I created enough CHAOS in the short time we were together. I have a goal to help you, please remember I must first pay Eagle back.

I can survive on very little. When summer comes I will be extremely busy and hopefully then I will be able to assist you with your finances. I never really yearned for money. It never fueled my drive. My happiness seems to come from lesser things.