Diary Entries Part 7

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Today when I awoke, the sun was shining. The road is lonely, but I am not alone. 

I read my e-mail. My Austin friend wants to be a free spirit. 

There is no coverage for when I wrecked her car.*  Her insurance will have to pay for it. A $500.00 deductible and higher premiums. She is stressed and so am I. How can I pay her back for what I did? She cares for me and misses me. We are both stubborn. Yet, we have such a strong physical bond.

She is so hurt, so am I, but in such different ways. 

I need money and I need it fast. God please let it come my way and I will pass it along to Chrissy and to Eagle. I don't need much. I have survived on so little for so long. Please let me have the Austin Angel back. Let me be Clean and Sober and let us be friends. Helping each other the way friends are supposed to.

In the evening, Artie and I had a nice dinner and watched Helen of Troy.

I have mixed emotions, Remember if you have nothing, you have nothing to offer. You and I, God know I miss her...

Is there anything I can do

Is there anything I can say

To change your feelings

And give us hope to stay.

To pray that it all works out

I pray that she'll come about

To hold her in my arms again

To share our love - honestly

* Somewhere between 12/3 and 12/13 Mark took Chrissy's car and the money Rose sent to him for the satellite office start up. He went out on a crack binge, spent all of the money and got into a car accident with the car.

Diary Entries Part 6

Sunday, January 9, 2005

El Paso 4 am. Watched King Arthur moved. Called Chrissy, but got no answer. 

I had a dream. I was trying to buy dope, but no sale. I awoke from dream thinking that the cops had arrived. Not a good sign. No more stealing or compulsive behaviors.

God help me work all of this out. Please let me heal and be the extremely sensitive human being with the gifts you created. Remove my demons within and let me be your messenger, to help the homeless.

I need you now Lord in so many ways. Please help me. Please, I'm too old to live like this anymore.

"Compulsion is a quick fix to satisfy an urge - search for the emotion that creates the compulsion - the emotion when identified will set you free of the urge."

I just got off the phone with Chrissy. She still has feelings for me. She misses me and she has my T-shirt on. She told me she was with another man. It hurts, even though I knew it would happen. She fucked him to purge herself of me but it did not work. There is something physical and spiritual between us.

Oh well, Jo the counselor would say, "get over it and go on."

Chrissy was sad, this was not what she had expected. It never is. She has issues, she is not the prima donna I thought she would be. Friends is all I can hope for, it may be more, it may not. Oh Well! I wish you well my love, for I do love you, but I don't know how to express it.

I will end my love and crack and not venture into a new love. It would be a rebound and a mistake. A mistake that could bring me down. Every step backward requires 20 steps forward.

Again 2005 is the year for my:

• license
• job
• housing
• health
• money
• most of all CLEAN AND SOBER

Another day of Clean and Sober

Tonight I will write.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I did not get around to writing last night. My emotions stirred. Conflict in my heart - pain and yet not pain. She still loves me, or loves the sex I offered her? Anything else? She's scared. I would be.

Again, I remind myself that she has issues, deep ones. She pretends she has it all in check. She does well for herself. I wish her the best and hope she can become a novelist and she will. All I want is her to be in my arms again and then I ask myself, is it just the challenge? Probably. Time heals all wounds. She wants to get even, wants to hurt me, but then she doesn't. 

Money would solve all of these problems in my life except for my demons. I don't know if I miss her or the lifestyle she presented to me.

Soul Search - 

I want to be free of it all. Now I have a chance, God willing. 

Rain, Rain, Rain. So much, California weather in early January. Pain is subsiding, emotionally.

God, if this is to make me strong, then I'm all for it. To be weak is not a human characteristic I want any part of.

So special, so sweet, this beautiful woman is truly a fine treat. So much has happened, the wheel keeps turning. Strong she may be, calculating every movement she is to see.

The analyst...

Delivery #1 - Santa Monica Mountains - It was shuttled. The people were great. I received a home cooked meal. Homemade with mashed potatoes and Elisha.

Elisha is a professional musician. Blond hair, blue eyes and easy to look at. Excellent pianist and she's Lithuanian. How incredibly sexy. My thoughts were elsewhere. The move was easy, I just might be over my Austin Angel.

Chrissy is OK. Be who you choose to be. Our life wasn't meant to be.

I'm glad to be working again. It does make me happy and I need it. It makes me who I am. Artie had a chance to speak his native language. It was good and only God could have arranged all of this. I just might be OK. I think the healing has begun, another Clean and Sober day. Slowly they will build and slowly I will achieve my goals. I'm getting better.

Diary Entries Part 5

Thursday, January 6, 2005

The world I live in is falling apart. I'm so lost - my Chrissy is gone - never to return. It hurts. My job is a bust. My gifts from God are tainted by my addiction.

STOP USING AND ALL THINGS GET BETTER. Dealing with emotions is tough.

I have been told that I am to help the homeless, but how? I'm homeless.

I can't understand how all of this has happened. I guess it started when I was young. I'm so fucked up in the head. I want to heal, but healing comes so slowly. Will things change? It is up to me. If they do not change, DEATH is for sure. I'm 40 now. The last 10 years have been trying. Jails, prisons, homelessness, I can't take anymore. I want to cry, but again, the tears won't come. 

Austin Angel come back to me.

Give me another chance and you will see

A different side of me.

Impaired by life growing up, only now realizing it makes it tough. No assets, no money, only my health. I feel it is good, but is it? I have not showered in many days, I stink. I'm not used to this life. There are so many homeless people. Why? Our country is great, yet we have people on the street. There has to be an answer. 

GOD I know you are listening. Please deliver me from all of this. Put it in the past. Help me. I'm pleading. Give me strength to change and help others. I'm ready to close the door and quit, but that would be too simple. How does one deal with all of this chaos? I see God's beauty all around. How pretty it all is.

I contacted Colorado. I will plea my case out by mail. $1000.00 Where will I get the money? I owe so much. 

Bart and Rose* have been understanding considering all the shit I've caused. The thought of a second chance is a relief. I owe them so much money. I'm confused, hopefully I will be enlightened. I will pray on it.

Alas, I am leaving. The truck is westbound for California, and I will be on it. This job will allow me to begin to pay my debt. It is a good feeling. The road is lonely, the work is hard and the miles many. How does one do it? The best they can. You do it with honor and integrity. It is redundant work.

My friends (what friends?) have some idea of what I have become. I am a sociopath, an addict, a dishonest person, a master manipulator, a master sociopath.

How will I change and heal? GOD?

Friday, January 7, 2005

The sun is starting to appear through the clouds as I journal. Morning was overcast. My thoughts and dreams of Chrissy are lessening. How could I have been so stupid? I became hung-up on someone.

I have a head cold, it is a constant bother. I'm broke and just barely maintaining. My driver Artie is a very good human being.

This relationship has soured me. I do not want anyone in my life. I am no partner, no parent. I have no skills to help them. I am alone in this world. My family will not speak to me. My road ahead is quiet and lonely. I am not alone, just lonely. God never gives us more than we can handle. I feel as though my head wants to burst.

I felt the newness of a relationship, the infatuation, the lust, etc. Now it's gone.

"What we perceive we can and will achieve. The lesson is learning to keep it. Our world is black and white, all or nothing. To find balance or gray means all that we work for will stay."

Socio-Addict

I have traveled many roads and played many roles. I am an actor, a con man. I find reality hard and pain in so many things. I am ultra sensitive. 

Evening is upon me. I'm in Louisiana on I-10 somewhere. I see the Greyhound bus - memories of a recent trip? Memories of Chrissy. Please, let them dissipate. God willing she is well and doing fine. God willing i will be OK also and better my life.

Day 2 of Clean and Sober.

Saturday, January 8, 2005

Houston, TX, so close and yet so far. It's a beautiful day. Texas is so big. It's a day's drive to east to west and north to south. 

Feeling better, still have a cold, smoking less. Will be in California on Monday. 

2005 will be my year to put it back together.

• My license
• Car
• Money
• Housing
• CLEAN AND SOBER

Funny how life and the universe throw curves, I'm in Austin! I want to say hello to Chrissy and then I do not. It somehow seems to make me stronger. An end to a story - closure. The haunting is not so haunting any more. One cannot offer someone something if they have nothing. I have only my health, my faith, my hope and a job.

So much debt to pay. Time and patience. 

If you had the choice to get her back would you want her? Not at this time -- maybe not ever.
"Relationships based on physical bonds never succeed." -- Mary Johnson

Leaving Austin, feelings of relief knowing you are strong and will survive. It was not meant to be. Timing is so important. Learn by living and live to learn. Via con Dios, Chrissy.

* Bart and Rose own Eagle - the long distance moving company M is working for.

Diary Entries Part 4

Saturday, December 25, 2004

I don't know how to explain my life. To put it simply, I'm an addict. Getting high is my first love. Tears come, but I cannot cry. Emotions exist by only on the surface. I'm not a complete human being. I got lost somewhere along the way while growing up. My addiction has devastated my life. Now, I suffer the consequences. The only woman I think I ever loved has been hurt by my addiction. My Austin Angel, my Princess is gone. She came to me with unconditional love and offered me her world. A good world and I fucked it up! My pain is a re-run. Our love making was excellent, Chrissy was brought to new heights. For Chrissy it is sprirtual, I wonder if she may have sex addiction issues? I hope that friendship will exist in our lives. Anything else just complicates things. The night she asked me to fuck her...my first reaction was NO. Relationships are not based on sex, that I do know. Mr. Dick won again.

This is my Christmas Day.

Monday, December 27, 2004

The past four days have been sleepless. I have eaten very little. In a matter of two weeks I've gone from having a woman I was crazy about, housing and a family to once again having nothing.

My addiction has destroyed my life. I have no real friends. I have totally ruined my world again.

Thursday, December 30, 2004
I arrived in Ft. Lauderdale this morning. The world is becoming a little clearer. Bart* is on his way to pick me up. Chrissy will not speak to me. Sadness fills my heart.

I will start over again, vowing never to be addicted to drugs.

I am not a young man, nor am I an old man. Middle age is where I'm at.

What I thought I wanted, was not the best for me. The easy way is not the best way. I must be totally honest with myself and with others. For me, this is a new concept.

I feel used as I have used others. Pain will grow as the days go by, eventually it will leave. How could I be so blind to all of this? I want a happy life. Financial security, a house, etc...

I'm lucky to be alive. I've come so close to dieing so many times, this cycle is crazy.

* Bart co-owner of moving company

Diary Entries Part 3

Sunday, December 13, 2004

It's 1:30 am. I'm at a PETRO truck stop 40 miles outside of Phoenix. I just spoke with my friend and lover Chrissy. She is my Austin Angel. She has conflict with the direction of our relationship. As it's been said, "It was too good to be true."

I have never before had a woman that I wanted to grow old with. She has been in numerous failed marriages. What went wrong? Only she and her exes will know.

Chrissy's plans upon moving to Austin were to enjoy a single life pursuing her passion for writing and finding herself. Somewhere in the move we fell, fell in love, fell in lust. We healed each other in different ways.

The timing may never be correct for us to grow old and die as each others soul mate. She wants independence, freedom from whatever spell has been cast over our relationship. I'm hurt, my heart feels drained. All that I have wanted has been dangled in front of me and now it has been put on hold. As a friend I must give her the space. Easy it will not be - HARD - is putting it mildly.

Two sociopaths on different journeys - strong willed! and gentle all at the same time. Mixed feelings overwhelm me, I want to cry, but the tears will not come.

_______________________________________

DON'T WANT HER IN ANOTHER MAN'S ARMS.

_______________________________________

Not fair for her or me.

Life sucks - guess this is the bad in the Good and Bad. The good will always be a happy memory.

_______________________________________

License - CDL

Back to playing music

Decide where to live other than a truck

Car/Insurance/Responsible Adult - No one said it would be easy.

Maybe it's all payback. I guess I'm not getting married. Oh well!

____________________________________________

The road trip has been good. Ian is a good lad, smart and quick to learn. Good taste in music and literature. God you have the answer, you have had it all along. I'm emotionally tired. Emotions are just not easy.

I'm tired and tomorrow will be busy...

It's all about unconditional love!

Diary Entries Part 2

Friday, December 3. 2004

Sharing is caring. Last night we shared feelings, dreams, fantasies. Feelings rediscovered from long ago, locked up inside us so deeply. A healing, something so special. I knew it was an emotional time to share. Crying is healing, again, hurting to feel better, they co-exist.


We complicate our lives so. I have never had the experiences I have had in the last two weeks with Chrissy. Beauty unknown, and now known to my eyes. God is good.


Our closeness is growing in leaps and bounds. No fear, just excitement. We can achieve all we can conceive. We are so alike, sociopaths who ground each other. It's a beautiful thing.

Austin Angel with beauty so pure

Austin Angel I love you for sure

Passion and fire grows in our hearts

Forever together right from the start

Diary Entries Part 1

Monday, November 29, 2004

I awake to passion and the eyes of an angel. I'm well rested and feeling fit. I am thankful for being alive and blessed by God and his world.


Afternoon:
It's a beautiful day - it's gorgeous. I'm accomplishing things. So much to do and all will be revealed. Patience and understanding. Unconditional love. I love her and it feels right.


A little after 5:00pm:
Rose called, she wants me to check into opening a satellite office for Eagle* in Austin.
Good feelings - overwhelming - happy.
Chrissy, I'm realizing that love is more than I have ever known before. It's like we knew each other before, but when is the question?
I'm helping others by helping myself. I'm sharing unconditional love. It's a new concept for me, Very natural, feeling uninhibited.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Last night was quite special. Chrissy was feeling blue. I had the pleasure of consoling her, being a friend. It was great. Life skills. I'm in love for the first time in my life. Unconditional love, Trust, Honesty, Good Will. My body is becoming healthy. I'm doing yoga and it's not easy. So many new feelings and experiences.


I'm learning who I am. Growing up is tough. All that I have been through to create who I am now. My strengths and abilities have not been tested or disciplined.The day was pure pleasure. Closeness is building by the day. I'm growing and dealing with issues on an adult level. Communicating, talking and sharing. I so enjoy our loving making. It's so powerful. With all the woman I have known, never have I encountered such feeling, love, passion and caring. She is truly erotic and sexy.


Eagle is pushing for a satellite office in Austin. Rose wants me as a worker. I want that business savvy, just like when I was in my 20's. Two jobs, a band, two ball teams, etc. I was on top.


Busy and making magic. Now, I can do it without drugs. Holistic, eating correctly, exercising, love with this beautiful woman. Just living life with boundaries and integrity.


I phoned some old friends in Denver, many with no answer. Tells me something.


I spoke with my mom and asked her for some pictures of me and the family. Partially for myself and because I want to share them with Chrissy.

*Eagle - long distance moving company that M worked for.

Introduction

This is a story based on true events. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Not every crack addict is a street person. This is the story of an intelligent, middle class, white man, battling addiction. It is his torment, pain, and the reality of addiction.


In 2005 my husband owned a moving company. After a phone call and a brief meeting JB, (my husband) asked Mark to start working for him immediately. Mark had the moving industry background JB was looking for and seemed to fit the bill.


M was a great worker. He had a positive attitude and was upbeat. He was full of hope and spirituality. Mark always spoke of doing the right thing. Little by little we learned more about his background. He was living in a half-way house and was on probation. This was OK with JB. He believed in giving someone a fresh start. Giving him a job was a step in the right direction.


Had we known the whole truth about Mark, things probably would have gone a bit differently.