Diary Entries Part 10

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Morning - the skies are blue, the air is crisp and chilly. It' beautiful. I feel rested, relieved and content if that's possible. I have been praying. The angels are watching and God will answer my prayers in his time, not mine. Faith and hope are the keys.

My financial situation is a bust. I need at least 10 Gs to make all this OK. It would be a start. If the money does become available, I will correct things. Payback, helping others and most of all, giving to those in need. I'm working on getting my license back, my job, my sobriety, my financial outlook, housing, transportation. It all takes time, but time is running out. It has to happen soon. This year to be exact, then I must keep it.

Laughing is so good for the soul. Watching the movie The Replacements brought laughs and smiles to my soul. I guess it not all bad.

Evening has settled in. Artie is at max hours* for the day. We are parked 200 miles east of Dallas. We will not leave until midnight.

My feelings on life seem better. I'm managing. I ask myself if I am investment to Eagle or a burden. I guess both. It's up to me to see it through and decide which road to cruise.

Thinking of my blessings, I'm Clean and Sober, I'm healthy. I have worries that cannot be overcome at this time. Logic is with me. My faith is good and with a few more blessing, I just might make it.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Martin Luther King Day. I am north of Dallas. It's 9:30am. I'm waiting for Artie to wake up. He drove all night. He is not a morning person. I understand he is tired. The long miles on the road are wearing to a man's mind, body and soul. I have done this routine many times. It is not an easy road. The morning is beautiful. I have finished praying. I know he is listening and will be with me throughout the day.

"Always rainy days without you

I'm a prisoner of love without you

Yes it's true -

Deeply wide and blue

One special moment in your arms

It is worth a lifetime of love -

One special moment in your heart

Keeps my world from falling apart"

"I was standing

All alone against the world outside

You were searching

For a place to hide

Lost and loney

Now you've given me the will to survive

When we're hungry - love will keep us alive

Don't you worry

Sometimes you've just gotta let it ride

The world is changing

Right before your eyes

Now I've found you

There's no more emptiness in inside

When we're hungry...love will keep us alive"

The Eagles

I slept from Dallas to Arkansas. I'm without a book and the movies are old. I was haunted by Austin, haunted in my mind. The feeling left and hopefully it will not return. 

Who am I? Where am I? Why is all of this coming down?

I'm praying, where is my faith? Where is my hope and who do I love? So confused on a Monday.

Missing your touch

Missing your hair

Missing the way

I made you stare

It was you - you who really cared

You who took a chance

You who dared

Miles apart - yet there's an aching in my heart 

To make it right

To end a fight

Win a battle

And have you near

* DOT sets maximum hours a driver can be on the road at a stretch of time. Drivers must keep a log book.

Diary Entries Part 9

Thursday, January 13, 2006

Arriving at the storage facility to load an empty trailer we found no one there. The arrival time was 8:30am. It's now 10:30am and no one has arrived to let us load our cargo. 

The day is beautiful. There is a chill in the air. 

Upon speaking with Austin it has become a bit clearer that she truly needs a male friend and I stress friend.

With herpes on her lip and her oldest son in harms way, balancing his life from going down the shitter, it is evident after speaking with her that she is spoiled, self-centered and immature. My rose-colored glasses are off. I see her in a different light. I feel sorry for her and want nothing, absolutely nothing from her. She is bitter, mad and guilt ridden and cannot maintain a relationship. My life has issues. Drug addiction has brought many of these on me. She has issues spawned from everyday life without drug addiction. I still feel a sense of wanted to help her, only from a financial view point. The rest is her own task.

I must get solvent in my world.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Outside of LA in the valley. Loading a small job, yippee! The business is slow. In three months it will be non-stop. The weather chilling with a crisp clean feel to it, beautiful God. Thanks.

I feel strong and positive, awake and confident. Hopeful and sure that I will maintain, keep and achieve my license.

• House
• Money
• SOBRIETY
• Job

It is a must! My 20's were my teens, my 30's my 20's. Ten years behind. Oh well. I must keep growing.

Well, the day progresses and with it we pick up small loads. Good and bad. I'm asking myself, why am I doing this job? Do I really like what I'm doing? Do I feel trapped?

Loaded- 4 hours/1000 cubic feet.

Checked my e-mail, sent some. Phoned Denver DMV. My license is good and can be reinstated. Now, I have to get a license. Hopefully soon, real soon. So much to do. So much to accomplish.

I'm feeling better in many respects. I need financial solvency. Money for me, and for others. I want to help the homeless, play music and heal. Tonight was a Mexican dinner. Artie and I were foreigners. Spanish was the language spoken, how I wish I was bi-lingual. I should have paid more attention in school.

I just spoke to a young woman named Kate. She was and is stranded at a Flying J on the California/Arizona border. 

Issues:

User

Abused by men

Delusional

and yet an angel at heart

I have no children, now I realize again the answers to why. God has given me another chance. A chance to provide help to those less fortunate. GOD - the cosmic energy of the universe. Help me survive. Heal me so that I may help others. It may be my purpose. Another sign, please?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Another day comes into play. I'm realizing more about myself and my life each day. I believe I'm going to be OK. I'm being schooled and blessed. My role will be to help others. It is God's play. I must believe with all of my faith. I must trust in his plan and I must have hope for the plan as it develops.

I spoke with Austin. I must learn to listen between the words. I believe she is worried. I believe she may even miss me. Humans we are.

Uneventful day. I-10. I have traveled much, the scenery is beautiful. I rode, slept and that was about it. It was 3:00pm before we left the California/Arizona border. It was 3:00am when we arrived in El Paso, TX.

Diary Entries Part 8

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

The morning was fog filled but it burned off as the day progressed. California weather. There have been massive rains, and death has showed its face due to the weather. Sad. Mother Nature.

I'm feeling somewhat better. Time is a helping healer. We as humans often go through our lives never realizing that our experiences create and shape our destinies. 

I am an addict. My cure is simple. Do not use. Remain Clean and Sober and the world is no longer seen through rose-colored glasses. My issues are less and certainly easier to see, identify and resolve.

My recent relationship, however brief has put me through pain, hurt, drama and so much more than I imagined. I had to go through it to arrive at this point, the point of seeing new things, a new direction. I was used and manipulated. It is something I have done to others so often. I guess it was my turn. Somehow, it has strengthen me, opened my eyes and given me clarity on someone I thought I loved or at least had feelings for.

Disillusion and delusional thinking. Addicts do it well. I have been clean only a week and all that I realize about this 46 Jezebel are true. Self-centered, grandiose, stubborn, spoiled and certainly no child of God. She is not who I thought she was. I have taken the rose-colored glasses off. I know all of this and now I realize why I stood 15 feet from her when we first met. I understand why I was distant at first.

I have grown from this experience. I have learned and now I close a door on a relationship with her as well as another ex - my DRUG.

God has a plan, a destiny for me. I can only obtain it by staying Clean and Sober and owning the truthful, honest things in life. Amen. I asked for a sign and guess what? God thanks, the call to Mary was my sign. It has been a good day, lonely at times, sad at others, but a good day.

Austin Angel, 

Time is on my side, and yes I do enjoy the art of writing a letter. I don't really know where to start. I realize that having you as a friend is most important to me. I also realize that it will not be easily attained and that I have to prove to myself and to you that it can be done.

Chrissy, a unique, simple and highly complex woman. You are an analyst. We shared a physical alliance a bond that few humans ever experience. You and I truly bonded in certain areas. I never expected a woman of your refinement to enter my life. "Be careful what you wish for." 

I have taken time to step back and take myself out of the picture to look at our relationship from the outside.

Upon analyzing it again with time, I'm fortunate to know you and grateful for your teachings. New doors have opened for me.

You are a strong woman. I am a strong man. My destructive behavior should have put me in the dirt long ago. God's Grace has kept me here on this earth. God's Grace has kept me healthy. There are not many 40 year old men who can labor as I do. I enjoy the hard work, it makes me who I am. I am realizing more about who I am and what my purpose in life is to be. I have decided to assist you with your needs if I can in any way possible. I created enough CHAOS in the short time we were together. I have a goal to help you, please remember I must first pay Eagle back.

I can survive on very little. When summer comes I will be extremely busy and hopefully then I will be able to assist you with your finances. I never really yearned for money. It never fueled my drive. My happiness seems to come from lesser things.